Bad dream... Awful indeed...

I can't forget what I dreamed yesterday night... It was awful, a really nightmare... And it seemed so real, so nasty, so painful...
It started with your face, I don't know why but yesterday night I remembered you, you were like my best friend, like a brother... How could that happen to you? Well... In my dream I was alone at first, it was so cold, the air around me was cutting like a knife and the wind was deadly blowing... I think it was winter time... Then I saw you in that damned motorcycle... you were fine... You glanced at me and smiled... You crashed... I saw the flames eating your barely alive body... I stayed still... With a tear holding in my eye ready to drop...
I looked around, I was in my bedroom. I ran to the window but the night was calm, the trees weren't moving with the wind. The storm had passed... I opened the window and a warm feeling came deep inside me, the air was warm, the smell of rain was still the air and the wind brought me that scent of burned rubber... I felt like to throw up... And I quickly made the connection... I just fell upon my knees and stayed quietly thinking what the hell was going on...
The night passed in a rush, and in the morning after you were nothing but ashes... I felt like someone had punched my heart...
Even with your death I went to school, I needed to be strong and I knew that he was going to be there supporting me, he was going to give me strenght to surpass all this...

[I really think is awesome the way I'm recalling everything I dreamed... It's just like a movie in my head... curiously this is almost the only dream I fully remember...]

I walked into school and I went to the bar where my friends use to be... When I arrived my world fell apart with what I saw. And there was he holding her hand... He glanced at me and said something to that little half-blonde bitch and started walking at me. "We need to talk" he said with a cold voice, even that I saw him with other girl I tried to kiss him but he avoided me... How in hell could he had a cold voice?! "What the hell is going on?" I asked... I knew that it wasn't good... "I don't mean to hurt you" he started... "I never did..." And in that right moment I knew what he was going to say... "Sorry..." he continued, even with a cold voice he was like afraid of hurting me or something... even in that situation for me he was the sweetest boy in earth... "...but it's over." he finished. It was like cold water in my head, in a moment i was hoping that he would support me and help me but in that right moment I just felt going even more under, it was like someone just ripped my heart right in front my eyes and just stabbed it like a fifty fucking times! I looked at him straight way in the eyes. He seemed to have a guilty look, like he had committed some crime or something... "You know Mariana... I love her, I always did and you're a great friend... Really... But I love her... Sorry. I'm sure you'll find someone better than me. Just forget me and keep going." he was looking at the floor. "Excuse me?" I said "I can barely believe in what I am hearing..." "I said I was sorry!" he said in a low tone "Oh I hear it! You don't have to repeat it..." I yelled "I bet you are so sorry..." I continued... "And all this time it was all a lie... After all you're all the same..." I looked at the floor to hide the tears. "Sorry" he said before going away to her side... They kissed... That image is stuck in my head...
My first impulse was running away to the bathroom and cry my heart over... In that moment lots of emotions came to my mind... I felt angry, sad, confused... And unable to trust anyone...
That's why I hate this dreams... They are reflections of my biggest fears and all that stuff... They make me feel useless... Like she better than me... I know she is... I know all that stuff but FUCK! There's no need to remember me of that all the time! What I can't take, What I can't support, What I can't live without... It's all here! It's all taken from me in this dreams and when I wake up I'm crying because I can't stand it! I remember that when I woke up this morning, it was like 10 a.m (and then I fell asleep again and I just woke at 3 p.m. --') and I was crying when I woke... It's just like all this stuff mess up my head so much... I couldn't stand losing you and I can't even more stand to lose him! He's the sweetest thing I have, He's just so important to me... And you were so important to... And I lose you... I don't want to lose him... Not now, not in a stupid nightmare that conjure all my fears together to make me feel sad and frustrated...
It's sad you know... Even the single thought that I can lose him just make me feel sick and with an awful sense of fear... I don't wanna lose more important people... I'm sick of losing the ones I love... You, my father, my best friends... (it was long ago I know but even so it still hurts...) And he is like all I wanted, all I needed to be happy... You know Johnny, you once said that I should smile more well now I'm like always smiling, I'm happy... And I don't wanna lose my smile, it makes me warm inside...

After that, when I felt asleep again I just remember arriving home and I was sad and very nervous so I think that it was like the second part of the dream... My mother was packing her things. "Where' you going?" I asked. "Oh hi sweet heart! I'm going to France with..." and he told me that story (like for the 50th time) "...and you're going to live with your father." she continued. "But mom..." I started "Father is married now... Like hell I'm going to live with them!" I yelled. "Don't talk to me like that! You're going, period!" she finished the discussion. I felt even more frustrated... I went to my bedroom and started listening loud music... I remember waking with my cell phone ringing... The world by nightmare it was...
It was just a bad dream... awful indeed.. I hope this night to be better...